Written By Cam Lindquist
I want to put something out there – something
for the entire world to read. Something most people
have way too much pride to admit. Are you ready?
I think – no, I know – that we should
have listened to our parents more! Yes, that’s
right, I said it. My mom always had a slew of advice
for me as I was growing up and I am sorry I tuned
out about seventy-five percent of it. I have to wonder
what nuggets of wisdom I missed out on. The older
I get, the more I realize I know nothing and she
knows everything; well, maybe not everything, but
a hell of a lot more than I like to admit. For instance,
my mother once told me that people in glass houses
shouldn’t throw stones !
Now there are two ways to translate those words of
wisdom: • The straight translation: No one
is blameless, so before you point out your neighbor’s
shortcomings, remember you have a list of your own
which can be pointed out to you. • The gay translation:
Don’t tell everyone on the street your ex-boyfriend
and you broke up because you found out he was into watersports when
you know he still has in his possession pictures
of you in Dolly Parton Drag from last year’s
Toronto Pride. Mom also used to say, “One day
you’ll wish you
had been nicer to your sister!” • The
straight translation: As you grow older you realize
that friends tend to come and go, but your siblings
are the only ones who stick around for the long haul. • The
gay translation: You’re going to need that
girl for makeup tips,
to buy you cute clubbing shirts at Lane Bryant (even
though she is a size six and you need a 18 just to
clear your shoulders), and to go retrieve your personal effects
every time you break up with a boyfriend. I mean
come on… your friends don’t have to
love you after they have seen the kind of porn you
watch on the top of a box packed by your evil ex
Latin lover, Miguel. And finally, the one I really
should have listened to was, “You know honey,
you’re only thirteen. If you shave that peach
fuzz off now, you will spend the rest of your life
shaving. Don’t be in such a hurry to grow up.” • The
straight translation: If you shave it off at thirteen,
you are going to be chained to the sink with a Gillette
for the next five years when you could be out doing
something else. You’re going to have to shave
soon enough; enjoy your youth while you still can. • The
gay translation: “Smooth, masculine, and muscular
ub2” isn’t an ad a moderately hairy man
should respond too without giving it some serious
thought. Damn I wish I had given my mother’s
words of wisdom a little quality reflection time,
but alas, like so many of my furry brothers, I decided
to go smooth. Now, I am not a bear. I am more like
a cub with bald spots in all the right places. But
honestly, I have enough hair to put me somewhere
between “follow the treasure trail” and “lost
in the thicket!” So it was not the wisest move
I made the other day when, while online minding my
own business in a M4M chat room, I got an instant
message to an Adonis whose chest and abs looked like
a newborn baby’s butt! As a big guy, with a
line backer’s build, just about anyone who
gives you the time of day will at least get the twice
over. Let’s be truthful here, the world of
gay men is a one-way bus ride where thin, twinkie,
blonde, tanned, 18 year old cuties sit on the front
of the bus. The rest of us are relegated to sections
in the back. Here in the big gay world, those of
us who don’t fit the mold have to do a little
extra to get noticed. That is why, after talking
to this drop-dead gorgeous man from right around
the corner, I was a little taken by something he
said. After seeing my homepage (which has two pictures,
a complete description, and hides nothing about me)
he professed to be a chubby chaser. I hate that category,
but like I said, we are being truthful! But he also
said he likes smooth guys. It was a one-line comment,
followed by some flattering comment about my smile,
my wit, and my gorgeous eyes… So I let it
slide and agreed to meet him for coffee later in
the week. However as the week went on, his one liner
haunted me like the ghost of Christmas future in “A
Christmas Carol.” I kept having visions of
coffee going very well and ending back up at his
place. Normally I am about at least waiting until
the third date, but spring and summer had brought
a drought to my sex life and frankly, if he showed
any persistence, my resistance was low! The look
of lust in his eyes disappears as I disrobe and he
sees what most bears call “starter growth.” A
dedicated reader gave me a quiz once so I would know
what my bear classification is and for all you experts
out there it is: B3 cv d-- e g k r s-- t w. Well
I am sure you can imagine where things would go from
there. So I decided that shaving was a small price
to pay for what could be long-term happiness. After
all, I have made plenty of concessions for people
I have dated in the past. I quit singing in the shower
because it annoyed Matéo to no end. I vowed
never to bleach my hair blonde again because Wolf
didn’t like the way it felt when he ran his
fingers through it while we watched TV in the evenings.
Is shaving such a big deal? Well you be the judge.
After two hours with a beard trimmer standing in
the shower stall I finally had my fuzz down to stubble.
I buzzed places I didn’t know I had! I then
lathered up, section by gruesome section, and used
my ladies’ Schick to get rid of those “unsightly
little hairs.” This, of course, took just as
long as trimming down initially took. And we aren’t
even talking about the hot water disappearing about
45 minutes into the second leg of the race! But I
had what I wanted by the end, a nice, smooth FAT
body… Well not to give you the embarrassing
details but the date didn’t go well because
we just didn’t click. And I was royally ticked
off! Not only did I immediately regret shaving, I
learned a few very important things: 1. Heavy set
men don’t shave their bodies because it takes
twice as long as it does for twinkie boys AND hair
helps hide the unsightly white skin that hasn’t
really seen the inside of a tanning booth since prior
to your first Pride event ten years ago. 2. Stubble
grows back in the most uncomfortable, itchy way possible
in places you don’t want the rest of the world
to see you scratch. 3. Though two hours seemed like
forever to get it off, two months is an eternity
to grow half of it back! So, boys and girlfriends,
the lesson for today can be summed up into a simple
gay proverb: Shave not what your lover likes smooth
today, for tomorrow you will be itchy as you miss
him! Queer•en•dip•i•ty noun:
the uncanny gift to see the queer perspective in
a seemingly straight existence. Cam Lindquist serves
the GLBT community as an intuitive, specializing
in finding the Queerendipity in every day life. E-mail
Cam at CamLindquist@aol.com.
© 2006 Cam Lindquist; All Rights Reserved.
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